Troubles at home run in the family

Do you think your family's well-being depends on you?

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Why? Scholars and behavioral geneticists say that models of family relationships are inherited on both a psychological and genetic level. The family life of your children will most likely be similar to that of your distant ancestors. In short, your family relationships aren't going to change – you're stuck with them as they are. It's fate.

We all know the story: "A girl meets a boy like her father," or, "A boy meets a girl like his mother." Of course, sometimes things go a bit differently: "My wife won't be anything like my mother. She can't get off my father's back. I'd never be happy!" So the boy finds a girl who he deems a suitable partner, gets married... And then several days after his wedding night he wakes and realizes: "Oh my God, she's just like my mother!"

Worried? Well, don't be. We'll be the first to console you. Your family model isn't set in stone.

The principle theory of behavioral genetics is that every family has a genetic code that lives on for generations. It coincides with the living circumstances of your ancestors. As a result, a distinct family behavioral model is formed. Of course, not all behavioral models are negative, but science tends to focus on the ones that prevent families from being happy. Let's analyze a few of these models one at a time.

Model № 1. "I'm leaving you..."

The individual who inherited this behavioral model – known as the “leaver” – is always trying to run away. He hardly ever "gets up and leaves." The act is more rhetorical. The person often changes his place of work, friends, cities and countries. After getting married, the individual threatens his spouse with divorce after each argument. It’s a type of blackmail. He doesn't really want a divorce, but he always feels like he is being pulled in one direction or another. (This is also a form of leaving.) Some leavers turn to alcohol – that's the simplest option. Others look for sexual relationships on the side, and some become entrenched in their work.

This family model could be inherited in the following way. A father is always drinking. After seeing this sad picture for his entire childhood, his son decides that he'll never be like his father. So as an adult, he doesn't drink alcohol. Instead, he is entirely consumed by his work. Oddly enough the children of such workaholics often become womanizers and heavy drinkers. Drinking and working are fundamentally different, but in this instance the behavioral model is the same.

Members of this family model always feel tormented by something. First the leaver will storm out on his spouse, slamming the door loudly behind him. Then he'll start worrying that he made the wrong decision. However, the situation only worsens if his wife begs him to come back, in which case he feels totally confident that he acted reasonably.

If someone walks out on a leaver, though, he feels utterly destroyed.

On occasion, a leaver will fight his inherited behavioral model and form a new, joyful life for himself. Many leavers, though, worsen over the years.

Model № 2. "It's all lost!"

The individual who inherited this behavioral model – known as the “sufferer” – is eternally unhappy. He always feels that something is wrong. His loved ones leave him and at work his fellow employees are often more successful. Usually, his relatives were also victims on either his father's or mother's side of the family.

The partners of sufferers are often leavers. These two models were created for each other: one partner continuously leaves, while the other suffers, waits and begs the other to return. Sometimes the two even change roles.

When observing the victim, it’s apparent that the sufferer tries to worsen his own pain. He winds up in difficult situations and doesn't lift a finger to change his fortune. The sufferer waits for someone to save him, while the surrounding world lives what seems an active and colorful life. While waiting for some God-given happiness to arrive, the sufferer tells everyone how unhappy he is – with such an idiot of a wife (or monster of a husband), such a horrible job, or living in such a horrid city with unbearable neighbors. In this way, he gets the attention, sympathy and pity he craves. Most sufferers are even proud of their condition.

"Life dealt me a hard hand," the sufferer says. "I know all there is to know about life's trials and tribulations. That's why I can show you the right way to live." And who else will he teach besides his husband or wife?

Generally speaking, this is a nonconstructive behavioral model, which is widespread among women. Although they may be beautiful, educated and kind, they often find themselves living with alcoholics, tyrants and the mentally ill – or even having their children. An especially cruel mix is when the characteristics of the sufferer intertwine with our next model.

Model № 3. "We reject and are rejected."

The individual who inherited this behavioral model – known as the “rejected” – believes that he doesn't need anything or anyone. Possibly his parents showed him too little love as a child, or treated him negligently. As an adult, he treats himself the same way. He doesn't want any children. He refuses to get married to the person he loves. At first, he feels a level of reciprocity. But then he turns around and says: "I don't need this, and you don't need it either." The more he wants a relationship to work, the harder he tries to complicate the situation. It's as if a small child is sitting in his soul who was once told something like: "Who are you anyway, you don't deserve this!"

Many rejected have great success at work and achieve financial security. This helps them feel that they're worthy of basic happiness. However, they will often continue living with people they don't love just to remain unhappy.

"That's just nonsense," the rejected says. "And I'll prove it. Just look at me. I'm unhappy and everyone else is, too." He's cruel to those he cares about, refuses to be happy, and loves to spread his sadness.

In Rebuke...

Model № 4. "A frying pan across the forehead."

Our regular consultant, Aleksander Monogamov, leader of the people's movement "Ribald Russia" completely disagrees with these scholars.

And so, we're supposed to believe that all our problems at home were decided for us by our ancestors and we can't do anything about the situation. Most men will be pleased with this unexpected turn of events. It sure simplifies things! For women, though, the theory creates a bit of discomfort.

Let's suppose that a woman's husband comes home late. He's drunk and smells like female perfume. And this isn't the first time. How would the somber wife act, who is ignorant of behavioral genetics? She'd grab the rolling pin and... Well maybe not in this day and age. But most modern women have a frying pan. So sooner or later she would pick up that frying pan and whack her husband across the forehead.

But how would the woman act, who understands the principles of behavioral genetics? She'd start by saying to herself: "Okay, he's come home late again after being with his lover. This means that he's chosen the model of the leaver in our relationship. But at least he came back! This means he's trying to change. This must be so hard for him! Poor thing, he's probably suffering so much inside. And I always start on him with my badgering. Should I reject him? No, that would mean that I chose the third behavioral model! On the other hand, can I beg him to stay? No, that would only make things worse. I really think, though, that he'll change his behavioral model!"

Lovely. Humane. Scientific. But I think a frying pan across the forehead would be far more effective. I guess it seems more accessible...

T. Ogneva writes aptly: "People are more inclined to understand when you speak to them in their own language." Few people know the language of behavioral genetics. It's a painfully difficult language – and confusing.

Psychological Practice

How should we proceed in our situation?

If your other half fits one of these models, then you're in a tough situation. This is why articles like these are written – to help people make the right decision and understand how to act.

The good news is that your spouse's behavioral model can be corrected. And you don't have to sign up for expensive classes. Nothing is more effective than conversations straight from the heart. If you don't have any luck talking, you can always “fight fire with fire." Slam the door in the face of whoever's planning to slam the door on you. People understand better when you talk to them in their own language.

Of course, it's harder to deal with the "rejected." They do everything they can to be rejected and to reject others. But as a rule they're smart and understanding people. They're easier to talk to. On the other hand, you may fit one of these models, too. Maybe it's time for you to do some thinking and make an effort to change.

Tatyana Ogneva is waiting for your feedback on our forum!

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